While visiting a museum in New Zealand earlier this year, I came across this reproduction of a local newspaper report from 1925. It is such a wittily written report, I thought it deserved a wider audience. Who knew that once upon a time local newspapers were worth reading?
These two trippers – and tipplers – were reported to Constable Heeps, of Matamata, as having made a most objectionable scene in a railway carriage on the way from Tirau by the use of foul language and general disorderliness. When the train arrived at Matamata they “took charge” of the platform, indulging in the same riotous behaviour.
When the constable arrived on the scene neither of the delinquents was disposed to “come along” peaceably, and Mr. Heeps had to use “physical force” by way of persuasion, securing McKenna by a little scientific holt familiar to wrestlers. He was getting McKenna away, with Wilson following, and half the population of Matamata enjoying a free show, when Wilson became obstructive. After getting peremptory chastisement, Wilson (after receiving sage counsel from Mr. W. O. Garland, chairman of the district J.’s P’. Association promised to follow docilely, like the proverbial little lamb that Mary loved; his moral fleece, however, was not as white as snow, for he broke his word and bolted off to a boardinghouse.
Constable Heeps placed McKenna safely in the “cooler” where hostile notions gradually cool off and evaporate, and then went after Wilson. The latter showed fight once more and had to be roughly handled and handcuffed and was duly lodged with his companion of evil days.
Having become well held in the clutches of the law, the two offenders duly appeared in the Court at Matamata on Tuesday marring, before Messrs. J. Price and T. J. Underwood, J.’s P, and both pleaded guilty to the charges of drunkenness and obscene language in a public place that were set out in proper legal form on the ominous folios of blue paper. McKenna’s record was given to the Court, the constable stating that he knew of no previous indictment against Wilson. Both pleaded that the trouble was due to intoxication, McKenna stating that he was on his way to Auckland to see his wife, and Wilson that he would never, never do it any more.
But the Bench were hard hearted; maybe they had become inured by such eleventh-hour pleadings. “It is quite apparent from the police report,” said Mr. Underwood, “that your conduct and language have been disgraceful. You took charge of the train and the platform, and it was only on the arrival of the police that order was restored. We do not desire to punish you severely, but we have been troubled with your sort before, and we want you to understand that if you came up before us again you will get no option. On this occasion you will each be fined 10s [approx. £25 in 2023] for drunkenness and £10 [£500] for using obscene language, or two month’s imprisonment.”
The accused were ordered to pay for their Christmas boxes at the rate of £2 10s [£125] per week.
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