In an old notebook I found some humorous newspaper headlines I had collected some while ago. You may find some of them entertaining, even the old chestnuts. I sure some are written tongue-in-cheek but others are the result of careless editing. Some were broadcast without the brain being linked to the voice. Others are unnoticed double-entendres. These are dire times, lighten up and enjoy a laugh.
- Miners refuse to work after death.
- Mad cow talks.
- Headless body found in topless bar.
- Study reveals those without insurance die more often.
- Newlyweds aged 82 have problem.
- Miami considers staying put.
- Slowdown continues to accelerate.
- France set to smash B.O. records.
- Stiff opposition to graveyard plan.
- Midget sues grocer, cites belittling remarks.
- Diana was alive hours before she died.
- Federal agents raid gun shop, find weapons.
- Seventeen remain dead in morgue shooting spree.
-
- Homicide victims rarely talk to police.
- Statistics show teenage pregnancy drops off significantly after age 25.
- Dead body found in cemetery.
- One armed man applauds kindness of strangers.
- Lohan’s second trip to Morgue is a success.
- Britain inches reluctantly towards metric system.
- Queen Mary having bottom scraped.
- Threats disrupt plans to meet about threats.
- Crematorium plans put on back boiler.
- We think rain caused floods, say Thames Valley Water.
- Footballer on mend after fatal car crash.
- A touching story of child abuse.
- Legislator wants tougher death penalty.
- Tiger Woods plays with own balls – says Nike.
- Straw’s pledge to rape victims.
- It’s the fastest time ever run, but it’s not as fast as the world record.
- Mayor’s ball is back on the menu.
- MPs take a close look at pornography.
- 500 year old child found.
- Forest have now lost 6 matches without winning.
- If that had gone in, it would have been a goal.
- Army to use ‘green’ tungsten bullets.
- Paras push bottles up Germans.
- Caskets found as workers demolish mausoleum.
And some spelling mistakes. The Guardian used to be good for spelling boopers, that is why it is called the Grauniad. Now they must have spell checkers in their typesetting machines.
- The Art of Writting.
- Leteracy Night.
- This is America and our only lananguage is English.
Finally, one my wife heard:
- UKIP want to bring back the death penalty for suicide bombers.
Has anyone any more contributions?
Two from my schooldays at Peter Pips that I’ve never forgotten:-
Geography Master:
“Put your exercise books on my desk and I’ll run through them”
Maths Master:
“Watch the board carefully whilst I go through it”
Neither ever happened in our presence
Wonderful post, Mike. Many thanks.
And one I spotted today whilst going through some old adverts from the 40’s …
Advert from Willesden Electricity Department, 131 Salusbury Road, NW6 (Not a typo, it’s on the advert) ,,,
“Don’t kill your wife with work ! – Let electricity do it”