Why Don’t They Say They Are Nappies?

The kids have gone out for a ‘Works’ evening. That means mountains of chips, steak and sticky toffee pudding all washed down the gullet with tsunamis of lager and rioja. They would not be well the next day.

So, as often before, we have our lovely 20 month old granddaughter to look after for the night. My wife is a super Nana and takes it all in her stride. All went well until 4.00am when my wife got up. Not for the baby but for the Norovirus which had struck.

I’ll spare you the details but you know them. By 6.00 am when granddaughter awoke poor Nana was in no state to do anything.

A novice of nappy changing

I found myself on unfamiliar ground. Did she have half, one, one and a half or how many Weetabix for breakfast and did the milk need to be warm or not? She demanded ‘gaps’ which, I discovered, means ‘grapes’. Crackers means little cheesy biscuits. A lot of both were devoured followed by milk.

We, or I, read a story about a bear hunt three or four times even though she knows the words. After a while the perfume in the room changed for the worse. Maybe a nappy change might be in order.

Nursery

There is a room we call the nursery. It contains piles of toys, books, a pushchair, cot, dolls and stuff and a bed where nappy changing occurs although I have made a point of never witnessing this process.

Being unfamiliar with the routine I checked things out first. There is a deck area for her to lie on while the nappy is changed. I suppose this is the Poop Deck.

Where are the nappies?

There was a pack informing me that whatever was inside was fragrance free and contained Huggies, whatever they are. On the outside is a picture of a baby, naked except for a woolly hat. Could it be headwear? I peaked inside the pack and found that they are bum wipes. Why don’t they say so? They’re not supposed to be fragrance free for long.

Not a sign of a nappy but a large, unopened plastic bag was on the bed. I did as a former teacher advised me: RTFI. Read The Instructions. Please Sir, what does the F stand for Sir?

The packet said something about baby care in 7 languages. So far so good. Then it went on to state that they, not specifying what ‘they’ are, but they were renewable. Well, can’t be nappies then. You chuck ’em away these days don’t you?  There was something about them being GM free. Now I know that is something to do with food. I have had lots of arguments with my organically fed, non-GM friend about this nonsense.

The package then said ‘Go Green’. Well I am green when it comes to nappy changing. The pack advised me that the contents were approved by the Swedish Asthma Society. Maybe they are some form of cigarette, green, organic, non-GM, healthy, don’t cause asthma?

Finally, the pack told me that the contents were Ambassador class and top rated. Obviously they are not nappies then. Ambassadors don’t do nappies, they do gold wrapped chocolates. Top rated? I needed something bottom rated.

Saved by the bell

What to do? The fragrance is becoming overwhelming. Ding-dong, someone at the door. The little one’s mother had arrived. Saved by the bell.