Do you recall the old cop show dramas and series where a suspect is allowed one call to their lawyer? I’m sure that is nothing more than a plot device but I thought I would take that idea for this post and run with it, so to speak.
If there was one phone call you could make to anyone, who would it be and why? What would you say? You can go backwards or forwards in time.
If you choose to go backwards in time, we will assume telephones are temporarily “lifted” into the time era you’ve chosen, and your recipient has been instructed as to how to use the thing. (They’re not going to be burned for witchcraft either).
If you choose to go forwards in time, we will assume phones, as we know them now, have changed into a device that could be recognised as a phone. And, again, participants know how to use them.
There will be no mobile call charges or anything like that so win-win here on that score too.
Rules
Keep it simple. Keep it short. (You could probably guess I write flash fiction given those pointers!).
Oh and one other rule – it has to be funny (so that rules out politics given that is anything but funny).
What I think is needed is a post to cheer us all up so I hope this will do exactly that. And if gets the old imaginative and creative juices flowing, so to speak, I’m all for that too.
Just type up what you would say to the person of your choice and let us know at the start of your post who they are.
So let’s go then. Who would I choose?
SCAMMERS
I know what you’re thinking. How can that be funny? And I admit I can think of plenty of things to tell your average scammer which are not funny. Let’s just say they’d be to the point (and I’m making no promises about sticking to ladylike language either), but for the purposes of this post….
THE BITER BIT
Hello, oh how sweet of you. You’re trying to help me. And you thought to ring me right out of the blue. Oh you absolute angel. I don’t get to talk to many people on the phone. My family say I natter on for far too long and I’m a phone menace. What do they know?
Oh how sweet. I can be as long as I like? You’re here with good news? Oh you’ve just made my Monday, you have. I can’t wait to tell my family all about you. That’ll show them!
Now tell me what I have to do again? Press 1 and I get a fortune by claiming for an accident I never had?
Oooh… isn’t that lying? Fraud even?
Oh, what, you’re sure about that? Everyone does it and the company’s insurance covers everything. I think I recall a line in The Ladykillers about it only being a farthing on everyone’s policy. I think you must be on to something then.
No. It doesn’t matter. It’ll take too long to tell you what a farthing is or what a great film The Ladykillers is, and I mustn’t keep you on the line. You’re not ringing from the UK are you?
Yes. I know you told me your name is John Watson and it IS a UK name but I have an ID button on my phone and your number isn’t for any UK code I’ve heard of. Are you a fan of Sherlock Holmes by any chance?
Oh you are. Well, they are fab stories, aren’t they?
So I press this button 1 and then what happens?
I talk to someone, they take my details…
Oh you’re not going to scam me are you? I’ve been told by my family to never give my details out over the phone to someone I don’t know. And it’s not as if you and I have been properly introduced or anything… not like they used to do in the old days. You could TELL who the real gentlemen were back then.
Of course you’re not going to scam me. You wouldn’t be ringing me with good news if you were going to do that. I suppose so. But I do only have your word for it.
Yes, I know, a gentleman’s word is his bond. I guess I ought to tell you something now given we’ve been talking for several minutes already and you are SUCH a lovely soul.
Yes, really, I have something to tell you before we go on any further. It’s only fair to you I should say this now.
It’s just that you are on a premium rate phone number to me right now. I got myself set up on one.
Oh yes. I thought it would be a great way of topping up my pension and I could scam the scammers. Hit back against those rotten thieves who think it is okay to con the vulnerable.
And the same to you, SIR…
Allison Symes – 11th October 2020
Hmm… this has to be the first time I’ve written a flash fiction story within a non-fiction post! But sometime stories can be better at getting a point across than if you just tell someone directly. (Incidentally it would not surprise me much if someone somewhere has done what my “hero” in the story above has done! There really is nothing new under the sun. Even the You Know What… that might be new but pandemics are not).
Mind you, there is a serious point to the above story. The inspiration for it came from when I had to deal with a nasty case of scamming for my late father. He fell victim to one (which is why my language to a scammer would not be ladylike. Sorry, Janet, that is how it is!).
Fortunately things were put right and his bank were helpful. I think the fact things were discovered and reported quickly helped a lot there. The interesting thing here was that shortly after all was put right, those same scammers tried the same trick again on my poor dad. Dad recognised the number. He didn’t answer the phone. Guess who did?!
Correct. They spoke to me and that is all I’m saying. You can imagine the rest! But after that I put in various things to make sure that Dad was not caught out on the phone again by anyone.
The important point here, of course, is to never give out your details over the phone or email to anyone you can’t verify. Legitimate businesses, including the banks, will always make it clear what they won’t ask you for over the phone and it is worth checking these details out.
For example, I know Lloyds up at Fryern have a poster on their service areas to say they won’t ever ask for your PIN number etc. They also warn you against courier scamming where someone will kindly come over to “collect” your card. Nobody genuine ever does that.
But back to the storytelling. Who would you call if it was the only call you could make? What would you say?
I look forward to seeing what you come up with.
Related Posts
Read interviews with Chandler’s Ford writer Allison Symes: Part 1 and Part 2.
Read blog posts by Allison Symes published on Chandler’s Ford Today.
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Another tip to remember when receiving calls that claim to be from your bank, is to end the call and phone them back to verify but a) use the number on your bank card and b) call from a different phone. The scammers will not hang up, so when you think you are calling your bank you are actually reconnecting the call.
Part of the brain is the “rational assessment” area. This is the last bit that thoughts go through before leaving your head, to give a final “is this a good idea” check. However, this can be overridden by too much information, or major “panic”. Scammers exploit this override switch by telling you something outrageous, such as that your bank account has been hacked, your computer has a virus, or your credit card has been copied. [Incidentally, Michael McIntyre also does this – though for non-nefarious reasons – in his “start for the day” slot. So many odd things happen while the contestants are in the waiting area, they no longer notice if anything seems slightly out of place as they are led to the stage.]
A colleague’s response to a cold-call trying to sell replacement windows was “than goodness you’ve called. I’ve got these huge holes in my walls and was wondering how to fill them”
Sorry, I know I’m off-topic; will go away and think of someone to phone.
Many thanks, Chippy, for sharing excellent advice. You do have to be several steps ahead of the scammers. If in doubt, don’t is a good rule of thumb.
Tim Berners-Lee, inventor of the world wide web
Hey Tim
Did you ever envisage how big the world wide web would become? Did you expect it to expand outside the walls of academia? Does it amaze you how much we rely on it for funny pictures of cats?
The internet isn’t just something people use to help with their lives, it runs their lives. Why, if it wasn’t for the internet-based voice and video services we wouldn’t be having this conversation. Indeed, if it weren’t for the internet, I wouldn’t have even be challenged to make this call.
I remember when I was at primary school being told that inventors were trying to produce a phone with a video link so you could see who you were talking to. I thought that was ridiculous as you would only see the side of someone’s face. My idea of the communication part of a telephone hadn’t extended beyond the receiver (as it was called then) that you held to your ear. The notion that you could have loudspeakers, no wires, and hold the phone away from your face was beyond even science-fiction. And having a ‘phone’ that could also send text messages (we did have text messages – we called them telex back then), take photographs, play music, access an encyclopaedic array of knowledge (and uselessness) didn’t cross our minds.
Wait – we did have music. Dial-A-Disk on 16. Then there was a limited amount of other information – weather, and … er … oh, maybe it was just the weather. And the time. “At the third stroke … pip pip pip”. That was its catchphrase.
Wonderful, Chippy, thank you! There is no way Sir Tim could’ve foreseen the pictures of cats being such a big thing on the net! Mind you, this is from someone who sometimes posts pictures of her dog…
Scammers
Once identified one can indulge in some fun. As a keen follower of crime movies and novels I have included a few incriminating phrases in my response. For example:
‘Is that you?…’ ‘I’ve done it…’ Have you got the car?’… ‘There’s blood everywhere…hurry’.
This leaves the scammers with a problem; should they report what appears to be a serious crime and therefore reveal themselves as scammers, or let a crime go unreported?
I think they’d probably hang up on you, David, but at least you would have got rid of them!