I thought I’d finish for this year with some light-hearted seasonal limericks and flash fiction pieces. Hope you enjoy them.
I also hope you had plenty of books (in print or electronically) for Christmas and you are happily working your way through them!
To misquote the wonderful, late, much-missed James Garner (of Maverick fame), you really should Support Your Local Author…
Re-living the Past
I don’t know why you want me to go through it again. I was clear enough the first time.
I know what I said sounds incredible, but that is not the same as impossible.
Nor would I invent such a story. It sounds mad. Why do you think I’ve spent so long hiding this?
You say you want to ensure you’ve got the details right. Why? You realise you can’t tell anyone? You would sound mad.
I guess it’s not an easy thing to accept you have an unusual parent but, be fair, someone has to be Santa.
The noisy fireworks disguised her running away.
I knew she’d be found out. That madam was dressed to the nines but I knew she was a peasant.
I’m glad the Prince didn’t find her. What idiot wears a glass slipper? They do nothing for bunions.
Still the party’s finished. HRH looks sad. He’ll get over it. He’ll need someone to turn to now the only girl who has ever caught his eye has gone.
I just need to find and smash that wretched slipper to be sure HRH can’t find that madam, so excuse me, I must be off.
He’d never do it all by himself, you know. It was my idea he should check the list twice. We already know who’s naughty and nice you see but it makes him feel better about himself and that’s no bad thing. The world is not ready, will never be ready for a depressed Santa.
Depressed? Yes. Between you and me he’s not keen on sherry and would far rather eat Rudolph’s carrots than yet another mince pie. Be honest, you’ve seen one mince pie, you’ve seen them all. But the poor soul can hardly say so.
If there’s any chance of you lot putting out the odd cookie, slice of Christmas cake, anything really to ring the chances, that would be great. Mind, I still think it a miracle he hasn’t come down with diabetes but there you go.
Now I must be off. The great man has just put on the red suit. We’ll be off shortly. And he must never know I spoke to you.
A Career Nosedives…
There was once a young, proud elf
Who just believed in himself.
He rejected Santa’s call
Therefore irking one and all
Guess whose career’s on the shelf?
The list is always checked twice
I know the naughty or nice
Reindeer are ready to go
Rudolph’s set his nose aglow
So we’ll be off in a trice.
Maybe one year the Christmas cracker jokes will improve. All I know was that didn’t happen this year!
From our church’s informal annual carols by candlelight event (which has the carols selected by the congregation and interspersed with poems, readings and dreadful jokes), I offer proof the cracker gags are still capable of producing loud groans.
What do Santa’s little helpers go to school for?
To learn their elfabet
What letter always goes missing at Christmas time?
There is “No L” at this time of year.
The informal event, which raises funds for our chosen charity project of the year, is great fun and we even sang the proper words to While Shepherds Watched and We Three Kings of Orient Are.
I didn’t hear one murmur of “While Shepherds washed their socks, all seated around the tub, a bar of Sunlight soap came down and they began to scrub”. Nor was there any mention of the alternative travel arrangements for the three kings – “We three kings of Orient are, one in a taxi, one in a car, one blowing his hooter, following yonder star”.
Mind, there was one slight disappointment this year. We didn’t sing what I consider to be more of a challenge than a carol – Ding Dong Merrily on High. It’s not easy holding on to that “glorious” note when you’re an asthmatic and the air in the church has dried out thanks to all the candles!! Still there’s another 12 months now to prepare my old lungs for the challenge that is Ding Dong.
This year has been a strange one in many ways. I certainly wouldn’t have predicted Brexit or President Trump and I was very sorry to hear of the death of Carrie Fisher. I loved the original Star War films and her Princess Leia was all that I, as a kid, thought a heroic princess should be. I was also very sorry to hear of the death of her mother, Debbie Reynolds.
I fervently hope that 2017 has more positive moments than 2016 did. I think it is a good thing we can’t predict the future. If you knew what was going to happen, would it stop you living properly? I think so. I think it would paralyse you.
Anyway, to finish on a much more cheerful note, I hope you all had a lovely Christmas and wish you a very happy New Year. Happy reading and writing.
Read blog posts by Allison Symes published on Chandler’s Ford Today.
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